Time to say goodbye...

to my old friend, Paxil. It has helped me through the last few years of life, but I also feel it has helped me MISS quite a bit of those last few years. I am the classic example of someone who knows better, but does it anyway- pharmacy tech, planned to go to pharmacy school... but no, I am not compliant with my own prescriptions. I would take my pills a few days, few weeks- even the triumph of a few months in a row... and then I would lapse. I would forget one day, and that day would snowball into weeks and months of noncompliance. Oops.

So I have decided to end this once and for all. This is me, trying to find the right balance in life. I don't like the way the Paxil makes me feel. I feel disconnected. I feel no pain, sure... but I feel no happiness either. Just something in between. Indifference? Maybe.

This makes me sad. I am scared I missed out on countless memories with my family because of this in-between state. I am stating, out loud, (well, sort of) that I don't want to be that person anymore. The in-between person. I don't want to miss any more moments... I fear I have missed too many already.

I am praying a lot... praying that God will give me the strength I need to stay out of the in-between. It's murky there, and I don't like it. I much prefer my daughter's vibrancy... who wouldn't, really?

I am scared. I am SO scared. I find myself watching her- looking for any sign that she may one day descend into the murkiness of the in-between. I pray about that as well- that God will help her retain the happiness and pure joy I see in her now as she goes through her life. No murk for her, I tell you. Not if I can help it.

<3>

Carina's fingerprint art for the yearbook. She loves her pug!